Sunday, May 31, 2009
I'm finding these days that I have less and less will to write, either on this blog or in my journal; I'm not sure how many people really care, and writing doesn't even seem to have much of a therapeutic effect on me anymore. I used to sit around thinking of topics to write about here, but no longer. I don't really want to try to be a political blogger; frankly, I can't bear to think very much about politics these days. I've already written too many little autobiographical articles. I've expounded on my favorite rock 'n' roll songs, movies, and websites. I've posted too many things that could be construed (or which can hardly be construed otherwise) as critical of the LDS Church. My struggles with cognitive dissonance (bounded on one side by my belief in the divine origin and nature of church teachings and priesthood authority, and on the other by the every-day reality that highlights the seeming absurdity of it all) are ongoing. Unlike many church members, I can't seem to tuck away all doubt into some small corner of my subconscious, or else neatly separate the life I live during the week from the image I try to project to others on Sunday. I could continue writing about my sleep disorder, but it's essentially coming down to this: I can't sleep without my "VPAP Adapt SV" breathing machine, but I also can't sleep with it unless I sedate myself sufficiently to tolerate the nausea resulting from the air the machine causes me to swallow. Either way, I see myself as doomed to having to take prescription sleep meds for the rest of my life -- but, then, I've come to see that the alternative is even worse. Darren now has a little more than eleven weeks left on his church mission in Honduras; it's hard to fathom that the little boy I baptized in 1996 (see photo) will be a full-fledged returned missionary before we know it. I'm almost as scared with respect to his coming home as I was about his leaving! I really need to do more hiking in the Sandia Mountains -- on Memorial Day, I did get to hike up the La Luz Trail, south on the Crest Trail, and down the Cienega Canyon Trail with John Brewer and a group from his ward (who were training for the stake youth handcart trek that's coming up soon), but it only left me wanting more.