I find myself sinking further down all the time; my outlook on life is so negative now that I find no cause for optimism or happiness in anything. I can't help dwelling on the changes of the last two years -- two years ago, I had a sleep disorder and was dependent on prescription sleep meds, true, but I had no crippling illnesses and my job was tolerable. I had no idea what a simple vacation, followed by a change of manager and new job responsibilities -- and now my having developed a tolerance for heretofore-effective sleep medications -- could do to my life, but the combined effect has been horrible. None of my loved ones, friends, or acquaintances knows, or can know, what I'm going through. A recent conversation with one of my brothers made me realize that most people, facing my afflictions and the resulting inability to bear even a moderate amount of physical or emotional stress, simply couldn't function at all; however, it's small comfort that I can still do so at some diminished level of rapacity...er, capacity.
[Update 6/29/11: I received word this week that a former co-worker of mine dropped dead from a massive heart attack last Saturday, the day his family had planned to have a party to celebrate his son's college graduation. (I'm reminded that my father died on our oldest daughter's wedding day in 1997.) I wonder if I could be next in line for the same or a similar fate.]