Monday, September 7, 2009

The Dark Side

Sometimes I can't help having very dark thoughts. I often wonder if I wasn't supposed to have died young (perhaps at my own hand), which in turn would suggest that I've been living on borrowed time for the last 30+ years. When I consider how messed-up I was in some ways as a young man -- lacking confidence or ambition -- it seems almost miraculous that I've achieved any kind of stability as an adult, in either career or marriage. Almost all of the people I knew as a teenager who had similar experiences to mine, growing up Mormon in Albuquerque, didn't stay active in the church, and, truth be told, I would have gone inactive years ago if I hadn't married Dorine. (Even now, due to my early experiences in the church, I feel incapable of achieving anything more than the Terrestrial Kingdom, regardless of my efforts or contributions. So what, really, is the point?) And if I were to choose, from scratch, a church to attend based solely on the people in it and their attitudes toward their fellow men, it's safe to say the LDS Church is possibly the last one I'd consider.

I've been pondering the idea of going to the gym and running on the treadmill to maintain some level of cardiac fitness; it's occurred to me to question just what I have to live, and stay healthy, for. In any case, I sense that my sleep disorder will cause me to die relatively young, probably due to the sort of heart issues that naturally arise from chronic insomnia. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to die while Darren was on his mission, and I think I owe it to my kids to stay alive at least long enough for all of them to find spouses and have means to live on their own. (I can remember thinking how devastating it would be for either of my parents to pass on before I had a wife and kids to live for.) I do love my wife, although I tend to wonder whether she might be happier with my life insurance proceeds and the chance to have a different kind of life. I don't even ponder the idea of retirement, simply because I don't think I'll make it that far.

So what would make life more worth living? It almost seems pointless to speculate, but.... More hiking. More camping. More physical love. More opportunities to go out of town on weekends (as so many other members of our ward do, regularly) and skip the unpleasantness of Sunday church meetings. It really wouldn't take much, but it appears happiness will always be a luxury that I can't afford.