|Our family on a Photoshopped beach|
I don't know what to expect from this year, 2015; fear and dread are about the only emotions I feel concerning the future these days. This month marks five anguished years that I've been sick with mal de debarquement; I have no hope whatsoever that my sense of equilibrium will ever return to normal or that I won't feel awful each and every day. It's become a tired refrain, but the illness has been such a game-changer for me that there isn't a single aspect of my life that it hasn't negatively impacted. I had a bad case of the flu over the holiday break, and I was quite literally contemplating suicide, even reading up on how to do it in the most-painless fashion. Those darkest of feelings have passed, but my outlook on life is still rather "obscure." John Brewer has told me that we need to do some hiking this year in the Sandia Mountains, and I hope we are able to do that; even in the state I'm in, I don't know why I haven't looked for more opportunities to do that which I love most -- hike -- in the place I love most -- the Sandias.
I feel pretty good about where most of our family is currently, and I hope and pray that 2015 turns out to be a good year for all of them. I still rejoice, insofar as I'm able, in the fact that we get to see all of our grandchildren (except Nicole, who's attending BYU) on a regular basis. Darren and Cait are now settled in LA, and Kiley and Sam will only be around while Sam finishes medical school, but I'm glad we have so much family in Albuquerque for the time being.